Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Getting spiritual

One of the points of me getting healthy is to do it holistically, not just in pieces. I’m dedicating all of 2012 to improving myself in mind, body and soul. Spirituality is something I have never struggled with, but religion definitely is. As I’ve grown up, I’ve found it harder and harder to go to church, and feel that sense of belonging that so many others feel. Raised Catholic, the rules are what have recently been turning me away. The rules and the money. In the Catholic church, to receive the body and blood, you are supposed to have a clean spirit, if you will. What this mostly means is that they prefer you go to confession before you receive the host. The running joke is confession on Saturday, church on Sunday, and back to confession again on Saturday, assuming a week of sin lays in between.

I struggle a lot with the idea of going to confession, because many of the sins that I commit, are things that I know I will continue to do. It feels hypocritical to me to confess and receive pardon for these sins when I do so knowing that I will confess the same transgressions next week. It is natural, of course. As humans we are born in sin. Christ died for our salvation because we are sinners. But it is still something I struggle with, and something that has kept me from going back to church. I still pray, I still feel connection with God, but I don’t practice my faith regularly.

My parents have been asking me to start going back to church with them, and today I did. I had a very intense experience, and was so overcome that before I knew it I had tears on my cheeks with no recollection of where they came from. As I sat in the pew, surrounded by people just like me, struggling to balance their desires and wants with what is right in the eyes of God, I just felt okay. I felt like for the first time in months I could let go, and let God as they say. I felt the tension, the stress, and the unrest fowing from my mind, and my body. I felt connection, I felt security. I felt like if I could just do this a little more often, and actually put my trust and faith into a higher power, then I can’t fail.

There is no proof, there is no evidence, there is no insurance that this idea is correct. But that is the basis of the idea of faith. Being able to let your fears retreat and put your whole heart and trust into that idea that you can’t insure. Believing that it is, simply because you can’t believe it is not.

Today I felt relaxation, for the first time in a very long time. I felt at ease, and okay with life. I felt thankful for how far I am coming, and grateful that I can finally trust and believe again, believe that there is a power greater than me or you or anything out there watching out for me. Guiding me. Reassuring me when I am doing the right things, and giving me days and experiences like today when I am struggling and unsure.

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So I cheated today and spent 9 minutes and 5 seconds streaming from my consciousness. I’m not sorry about it. You guys should do it, too! Here’s how:

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

• Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
• Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
• Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
• Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
• Link up your post below.
• Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

  

Resolution: do more of the things I love

One of the other goals that I am working toward in this year is taking more time for me, and doing the things that I love. Some of those things have been incorporated easily into my primary focus, which is getting healthier. Cooking has been a big part of the progress that I’ve made in that department, thus far. I’ve always loved to cook, especially at our apartment. The kitchen was not gigantic, it was an apartment after all, but it had plenty of counter space, plenty of storage space, I could move around without stubbing my toe or knocking things around, and I had a clear view of the apartment and living space so I could still interact with Alex and our guests.

The kitchen at the house that we rent is a bit more challenging. It’s a galley kitchen, only one wall has counter space, and that space is interrupted by a gigantic microwave, toaster oven, double basin sink, and stove top. Not to mention that most of my cake pans don’t even fit inside of my oven. But, despite all of this, in the quest to get healthy I have made do. I chop, mince, and julienne with the best of them. I broil, boil, bake, and sautee. I’ve gotten back in the kitchen, and my heart is swelling with a fulfilling happiness every time I try out a new recipe.

This weekend I was determined to get back to some of my other hobbies. Namely, crafting. I am a craft fanatic, I pin obsessively, and I have more ideas on my to-do list than I care to share. But I got a Michael’s gift card from my best friend, Tonya, for my birthday and it was finally time to use it and kill several birds with one stone.

The craft project I’m working on this one is inspired by a picture I found on Pinterest, and was originally posted (to the best of my knowledge) here. So far I have both of my canvases painted with two coats, and all of my petals cut. Tomorrow I plan to start assembling and gluing. With any luck and time management, they’ll be finished tomorrow, Monday evening at the latest. There’s something so therapeutic to me about crafting, I really want to make doing this more of a priority in my free time. So much time is wasted in front of the tv and computer, it’s time to stimulate my more creative side!

This project not only helps me realize that goal, but also a larger home-goal for 2012. The house we live in was actually the house my parents lived in for the first 12 years we lived in Georgia. Last year they had an opportunity to move into a house in the same neighborhood with more space, an in-ground pool (no complaints here!) and the kitchen of my mother’s dreams. When they made that move, Alex and I took over renting this property. It’s been a great move for us, but we still have a lot of work to do a year later to really make it our own. The house has a master bedroom with en suite bath, 2 smaller bedrooms, a formal living room, formal dining room, family room, kitchen eating area, kitchen, laundry room and full, unfinished basement. 11 total rooms, 11 total months left in 2012. I want to tackle one room a month, and get it to a point of comfort, if not completed.

The first room that we are finishing is our master bedroom, because this one is mostly finished. Shortly after moving in we repainted the walls a shade of tan, purchased new chocolate brown bedding, and several accent items in muted lime, light blue, brown, and white. We stripped and repainted our nightstands and bookshelf, and purchased new hardware for the nightstands. The only remaining components to completing the room to a level of pleasing aesthetics and comfort are stripping the remaining two dressers and repainting them, and completing the decor. The two art/craft projects from this weekend will go toward completing the decor and bring us one step closer to a finished project!

While I’m rambling on this completely random post, I want to take a minute to thank the individuals following me on this journey, and offering up your comments and support. I have been truly overwhelmed with the support from friends and total strangers alike, and I know that things would be so much harder without the love and inspiration  you each give me everyday! More recipes and progress reports coming soon, but for now, I hope you’ve enjoyed learning a little bit more about the things that I love.

Cheers!