Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Getting spiritual

One of the points of me getting healthy is to do it holistically, not just in pieces. I’m dedicating all of 2012 to improving myself in mind, body and soul. Spirituality is something I have never struggled with, but religion definitely is. As I’ve grown up, I’ve found it harder and harder to go to church, and feel that sense of belonging that so many others feel. Raised Catholic, the rules are what have recently been turning me away. The rules and the money. In the Catholic church, to receive the body and blood, you are supposed to have a clean spirit, if you will. What this mostly means is that they prefer you go to confession before you receive the host. The running joke is confession on Saturday, church on Sunday, and back to confession again on Saturday, assuming a week of sin lays in between.

I struggle a lot with the idea of going to confession, because many of the sins that I commit, are things that I know I will continue to do. It feels hypocritical to me to confess and receive pardon for these sins when I do so knowing that I will confess the same transgressions next week. It is natural, of course. As humans we are born in sin. Christ died for our salvation because we are sinners. But it is still something I struggle with, and something that has kept me from going back to church. I still pray, I still feel connection with God, but I don’t practice my faith regularly.

My parents have been asking me to start going back to church with them, and today I did. I had a very intense experience, and was so overcome that before I knew it I had tears on my cheeks with no recollection of where they came from. As I sat in the pew, surrounded by people just like me, struggling to balance their desires and wants with what is right in the eyes of God, I just felt okay. I felt like for the first time in months I could let go, and let God as they say. I felt the tension, the stress, and the unrest fowing from my mind, and my body. I felt connection, I felt security. I felt like if I could just do this a little more often, and actually put my trust and faith into a higher power, then I can’t fail.

There is no proof, there is no evidence, there is no insurance that this idea is correct. But that is the basis of the idea of faith. Being able to let your fears retreat and put your whole heart and trust into that idea that you can’t insure. Believing that it is, simply because you can’t believe it is not.

Today I felt relaxation, for the first time in a very long time. I felt at ease, and okay with life. I felt thankful for how far I am coming, and grateful that I can finally trust and believe again, believe that there is a power greater than me or you or anything out there watching out for me. Guiding me. Reassuring me when I am doing the right things, and giving me days and experiences like today when I am struggling and unsure.

***

So I cheated today and spent 9 minutes and 5 seconds streaming from my consciousness. I’m not sorry about it. You guys should do it, too! Here’s how:

This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

    #SOCsunday

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Helena
    Jan 29, 2012 @ 16:28:07

    Hi! Your post really hits home. A couple of years ago I went through a really rough patch – one of my goals was to find faith. And I did – I understand what it is like to cry during a service (for no apparent reason) and to walk out and feel recharged. Thanks for reminding I need to go back to service more often 🙂

    Reply

    • ashlee2012
      Jan 29, 2012 @ 20:14:16

      I’m glad that my post could help you! Overall better health is a huge priority for me this year, and I really want to include my spiritual health in that. I don’t know where I’ll end up at the end of all of this, but I’m glad that I’m taking some little steps to work on it! Thanks for stopping by 🙂

      Reply

  2. Tatter Scoops
    Jan 30, 2012 @ 09:23:58

    Your faith is guiding you and that’s what matters. This post is so beautiful and I can relate. When I went through my divorce, I felt so angry that I refused to pray or go to church. I blamed God for not ‘returning him to me’ after years of praying and crying. But then as my anger disappear I can actually see how God answered my prayers by giving me a brand new start, a new life. Thanks for this post.

    Reply

  3. Fadra
    Feb 05, 2012 @ 11:42:51

    I had a spiritual awakening many years ago. It was very different than yours. I was raised Christian and quite a born-again pentecostal Christian. It took me years to get away from the guilt and find my own path. And once I did, I instantly felt a sense of peace. I don’t go to church and I don’t feel any guilt but I get what I need, where I need it, and most importantly, when I need it.

    Reply

  4. Trackback: Lent, spring, and renewals « firstdayoftherestofdays

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