Getting back to the roots (and I don’t mean vegetables…)

I have been struggling lately.

There, I feel better already.

You can almost bet if I have an absence from the airwaves, outside of being crazy busy, I’m most likely struggling. And no matter how gung ho I appear about sharing this journey and making my struggles public both so I have an accurate catalog of my journey, and to garner support, advice, and positive thoughts…part of me is still that timid girl who keeps to herself. That nervous first-time writer in her first creative class who nearly breaks down at the thought of having her writing read.

No matter how much talk I talk, it is always harder for me to walk my walk. But today I read one of Mark’s posts over at A Fat Man’s Journey, and I was just so inspired. I’ve been following Mark since I began my journey, and have always found him to have some pretty profound things to say, and I’ve always related with both his struggles and his triumphs, but today just really shook me awake.

Today he talks about the guilt he felt taking a day off from working out, and the panic he feels if he forgets to log something. These are the exact same feelings that I struggle with. But when I start to struggle, I get scared. When I get scared, I hide. I hide from my support network, I hide from my blog, I hide from My Fitness Pal. I run, and I hide, but at the end of the day, I can’t hide from myself.

Some of my last posts on here talk about starting the 30 day shred. Well, I started! And, once again, I made it through two days. TWO DAYS. And not because I couldn’t do it! Because once I stopped and felt guilty, I fell into my same holding pattern of excuse after excuse. “I’ll start back on Sunday, so that I have a full week…” then Sunday comes and goes. Rinse and repeat. Or, “I’ll start walking instead since the weather is so beautiful! Then I’ll work back into the shred…” Then I sit on my ass and watch tv all night.

If I miss logging my food once, I freak out about missing it and stop logging altogether. Excuses, for me, are like Lay’s. You can’t have just one. Before you know it, you hear yourself oink, look down, and the whole bag of chips is gone.

I guess that’s part of what’s bringing me back here today. My bag of chips (excuses) is empty. I physically can’t make anymore. The weather is divine. The basement is clean and has plenty of indoor workout room. Our internet connection works. I’m not sick anymore. I even have a new 7:00 a.m – 3:00 p.m schedule at work. NO EXCUSES.

So, I’m back on the air, and I’m looking for you. I’m looking for every single one of you. The occassional readers, the loyal favorites, the strangers, family, and friends alike. I’m asking you to be on high alert. I’m at the tipping point. I’m at the tip of my mountain where I usually fall back down the other side. I can’t start back at square one. Despite the excuses and the clumsy lack of moderation I’ve had over the last few weeks, I have managed to maintain and continue losing in very small amounts.

I started my journey at 275 lbs, a number that I have never shared with anyone, but one that you all deserve to know (I’m asking you to hold me accountable, afterall…) Today, I weigh 258.6 lbs, a total loss of 16.4 lbs. Today I shake it off. I shake off the excuses, the struggle, and I get back to basics. I stop the snacking, and start the movement again.

All I want from you is a little extra encouragement. Throw a like on my post. Leave me some kind words. And for goodness’ sake: if I don’t let you know how I’m doing, give me a shout! Yell at me! Jump up and down and wave your hands in front of my face! Give me a cyber-slap of reality. And remind me that I CAN do it, and that the only thing standing in the way of my success is my own fear of success.

Later I will catch you up on some of the things I have accomplished, including a few new recipes, but for now…it’s time to get to work!



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